A Bump in the Road

I started this journey with a specific purpose in mind-to stop hiding and get control of my runaway secret. What began with optimism and progress quickly turned into nothing. I told my friend at the end of December and after that, I froze. I stopped planning to tell people, I stopped posting new additions on my blog, I even stopped tweeting for about a week. I lost sight of where I wanted to go in all of this. I'm still not really sure if I know where that is.

I continually think of the innocent girl I've brought along on this ride with me and how unfair it is to her. We've built a great, loving relationship together. Telling her will crush anything we've ever had. In my darkest times of doubt, I wonder if telling her is really the best thing to do. This isn't that big of a deal. Does she really need to know if it isn't adversely affecting your relationship? These thoughts pulled me in a direction I don't think I like very much, backwards. If I stop now, what has been the point in all of this? While my sexuality may only be part of who I am, I realize that I can't hide forever. How could I really ever promise all of who I am to someone if I'm not willing to show it all to them?

It seems like I'm in a place of constant doubt. I find myself contemplating the repercussions of telling people. Who will still be here when it's over? Will there be anyone left? Is the end result going to be what I really want? I need to get out of my own head, I'm just not sure how.

A commitment to a friend made in a game that I hadn't played in years might just keep me moving forward in this process.

We all have doubts, it's just a matter of how we work past them. From my door to yours, keep moving forward.

Feeling the Light

I sat at the window bar waiting for him. It'd been months since we'd seen each other. We meet up as often as possible but now that several states separate us, it isn't all that often. Daniel and I have been friends for about two and a half years. He is a great guy, outgoing, funny, tall, tan and athletic with perfect teeth... Needless to say, when we first met, I crushed on him pretty hard but that faded. He's straight afterall.


He and I have great conversations, deep, open, honest and always lighthearted. If I'd known what was going to be shared over this dinner, I might've recorded it so I could play it again to know it really happened.


He walked in and commented on us wearing matching jackets. The banter that ensues when we talk is never really all that PC but it makes me laugh everytime. Food was ordered and we sat down to eat. Over the course of the meal we had a great conversation. "This girl is really great. She keeps me in check," He said. "So you think you're in love then?" I asked. "I was talking to my parents a few weeks ago and my Dad jokingly asked if I'd said the L-word yet. I had to ask myself the question and I admitted to my parents that yeah, I think I do love this girl. Crazy right?"


I was happy for him. In the entire time I've known Daniel, he's never had a real girlfriend. Aside from his long-term relationship with a girl from before I knew him, any girl he's ever mentioned was just a hook-up, close friend or was only around for a few dates. As he described, he's only had relationshits. After discussing his life, he turned the focus the other direction. "How's your lovelife? Thinking about the big question here pretty soon?" ...No. God, no. I have to deal with me before I can ask someone else to... I looked across the table at him. He was waiting for an answer.

"I'm not ready for that yet. Financially it isn't the right time and I'm just not sure that that's even what I really want," I replied.
"Does she know that? Isn't she curious?" He pressed.
"She knows. We've talked about it. I won't do something simply because soceity says I'm supposed to. I'm not ready and if I pretend I am, it'll only be worse for both of us later. If I'm going to do it, it needs to come naturally."
"I get that. Soceity has a way of making people do things exactly how everyone else does. There's no rush, if it's right, you'll know."

Then out of nowhere, there was more to add. Why, I'll never know. The answer I gave would've sufficed but there was more to the story that I just had to share. "And there's something else that I've been dealing with internally too," I said as I studied the intricacies of my cheap paper napkin. "What kind of something?" He asked looking concerned. You're really doing this. There's no turning back now. It's on the tip of your tongue. You have to. This secret is KILLING you. Please... "I guess I've been thinking a lot about sexuality. Mine isn't exactly cut and dry. I'm attracted to both guys and girls."

I knew he wouldn't judge me. He is one of the most accepting, open-minded people I know. I had no time to anticipate his response anyway. "They" say it's best not to anticipate responses because people are unpredictable when it comes to this sort of thing. He responded with a few questions, wondering where I sit on the sexuality spectrum. He was everything I could've hoped for and nothing I was dreading, supportive, interested, comforting. Once it was out there we had a long conversation about where to go from here. He described the process with a great analogy: it's like building a soccer team, you need people on offense and defense but the whole team is working together to help you.


I couldn't believe I'd done it. Someone knew the whole truth. I was finally honest for once. What was even more perplexing was that I didn't feel anxious. He knew everything and I wasn't afraid. This guy could literally blow the lid off of you. He could destroy everything you're working toward. I didn't care. I knew he wouldn't. We finished our conversation and walked outside.


"Thank you for listening to me and being so supportive. I had to tell someone and I knew I could trust you. You're the only person I've ever told. It feels good to have someone know."
"Of course. You have confided in me just like I've confided things in you. You have my loyalty and support. I'm just glad I get to be on the team. We'll be in touch. Love you buddy."


We hugged and went our separate ways. Despite the 30-degree weather, my face felt hot and I shook the whole way home. A good friend I met on Twitter told me not to overthink the process, the less weight you give it, the easier it will be. What great advice. I took it and now I feel some light on the other side of that door. It feels good.


So, friends, from my closet door to yours, get out of your head. I promise you'll be better off.

Strangers and Friends

Don't underestimate the power of strangers. When you're down, a genuine smile from a passerby at the supermarket can bring you up. A look of exasperation on a haggard person with a sign made from cardboard can break your heart. The rants of an impassioned individual can infuriate you. A former stranger made the weight I've been hauling around feel a little bit lighter last week.

I take a deep breath as I walk up to the bar doors. My breath escapes as a cloud of vapor from my lips. It is freezing outside. I can't tell if my hands are shaking from the cold or the nerves. Don't be an idiot, you aren't that cold. You haven't been in the night air for more than a minute. I walk through the doors and begin to look around realizing I have nothing to look for. I only told him I'd be wearing "The Scarf." What an idiot. Couldn't have just gone with "Hey, I'll be wearing a gray coat," could you? A man is standing in the waiting area but I hardly notice as the hostess asks, "Are you meeting someone?" I smile and unintentionally ignore her as I scan the bar. I turn to my left and see the man, our eyes meet and he raises his eyebrows. It's him.

Our initial exchange is met with a friendly hug. Although this is the first time I've seen him, we've been friends for a while and he knows my biggest secret-my sexuality. We walk over and grab a table at the bar. I can't believe I'm actually doing this. He nods, "The scarf." I laugh. After that, the conversation begins to flow.

We sit in the bar talking like old friends. Nothing feels awkward or forced. We talk freely about our sexuality- Did anyone around you hear any of that?, the Twitter community to which we both belong and even our real lives. Somehow, I'm able to fully commit to this friendship and start to open up. "You guys want anything else? Last call," our waitress says. Last call? How long have we been here? What seemed like a short conversation has lasted two hours.

The conversation moves outside into the cold. The temperature has dropped but we decide a picture is necessary to share with our Twitter friends. Shot after shot, we try to get it right. The angles are wrong, the picture is blurry, that concept was dumb #gayboyproblems anyone? By the time we take the perfect shot, we are both shaking from the cold but laughing at the memory we've just created. We part ways with another hug and an affirmation that another meeting will happen.

I walk back to my car with a smile on my face. It really is getting better.

Don't underestimate the power of strangers. A stranger can easily turn into a trusted friend to share your journey. I'm learning that this road can be even worse without some support along the way. This meeting was a big step for me in a lot of ways and I'm happy to have come this far.

From my closet door to yours, don't be afraid to let a stranger become a friend.

The Runner

In the last couple of years, I've become a runner. Mostly, I've done this out of need for exercise and convenience but really, I've been a runner much longer. I've had a recurring dream recently: I'm sprinting as fast as I can through the wilderness under a pitch black sky. It's cold outside. The icy air pierces and stings my lungs as I pant rapidly. RUN! My mind screams at me. My feet continue moving as fast as they can, navigating every rock, tree root and obstacle in the path. My mind is racing alongside my heart but I find a moment of clarity. "What are you running from?" I ask myself. I hear a voice of panic in response, Does it really matter?! Just. Run! I never really get to find out what it is that I'm running from. I just keep running. That sounds about right.

I'm guarded, I'm not a sharer, I've built walls... Mention a saying like any of these and it probably describes me. Anytime there's mention of feeling something real, nine times out of ten every fiber of my being yanks me in the opposite direction. Yeah, I have a few issues, who doesn't? The truth is, I could probably venture a guess at why I'm running... In my dreams and out.

When I reluctantly created my Twitter account, I don't really know what I was expecting. Maybe a place to find others like me, commiserate, interact a little, observe. I didn't anticipate anything like what it has turned into. I've grown attached to people, created real relationships that mean something to me-some more than I'd like to admit. In this process I've even started to let people get close, close enough to hurt me even. A little too close, perhaps?

RUN! My mind desperately bellows. The echo is so loud it rings in my ears. It is impossible to outrun oneself but that's never stopped me from trying. I'd love to listen, to obey. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't come close. It would be easy. I'd quietly delete my email, deactivate my Twitter account and it would all disappear. I would go on living my life just like before. Pretending. Lying. Again. It would be like the past two months never happened. Or would it?

The only argument of reason I have comes booming into life. It wouldn't. I want to hide. I want to run. I want to be numb.  But I think I've been changed somehow. I don't want to lie or pretend anymore. I don't want to be numb to the feelings I've felt and conversations I've had over the last few weeks. I don't want to sacrifice who I really am anymore.

To reiterate a tweet I posted recently, my Twitter is a good thing. This blog, my relationships, thoughts and all that has come along with this situation are good things. I only hope in my weak moments, I can remember that.

The other side of that door is closer than most of us would like to think. Its so close I can feel it already, the warm light on my skin, the truth in my words. There's a lot of uncertainty between here and there but anything this big is worth fighting for, right?

I'm a runner. Maybe it's time I started running at something instead of away from everything.

From my closet door to yours, take a step in the right direction.

Here To Stay Is A New Me

The holidays are a crazy time for everyone. Family or friends visiting, decorating, parties or shopping. Everyone has his own routine or schedule to follow. This is my favorite time of year. My world has always seemed happier during this time. I receive more smiles, see more good deeds and appreciate the simple things so much more. Although the weather in Colorado is pretty unpredictable right now, the one constant is the heartwarming feeling of this season. I hope I can rely on it this year more than ever.

Dancing on this tightrope of secrecy the last couple of months has been taxing. Now I'm not one to let anything get me down for long. I refuse to let anything negative have that much control over me. I acknowledge it, feel it and move on. While this isn't something I can move on from, generally speaking I deal with it pretty well. I got myself here, now it's time to help myself out-in more ways than one.

I've done a lot of soul searching recently and realized that some changes need to occur in my life. I'm not sure what those changes will include yet but they need to happen sooner rather than later. Some of them have nothing to do with my process and yet have everything to do with it. I feel like I have a chance to completely start over with a new life free of hiding and lying. Part of me is terrified for a new beginning and the other half is eager for it. I feel like a brand new person and I want to show him to the world. Although I feel changed, I don't think I'm quite ready to dive off the tightrope just yet. I still fight with myself about the whole situation. Besides, timing is everything.

I doubt there is a "right" way to do this but I want to do it as "right" as possible for my situation. I want to look back on it and be able to say "I'm proud of how I handled that." Regardless of the outcome. Though my eager side is urging me forward, I'm holding back. I don't want to create an emotional scar-for myself or others-during my favorite season of the year. Wouldn't that suck? I'd be sitting there this time next year when "Jingle Bells" comes on the radio and I'd relive the memory of some family member lecturing me. No, thank you. I can be patient and just enjoy the merriment from my dark closet.

I know this time can be lonely for a lot of people. Not everyone is able to be with their loved ones and some may feel alone despite sitting in a crowded room. If you're one of those people feeling down, I know it isn't much but know you're not alone. This Twitter community we've all created has been something more than I ever would've expected and I hope the camaraderie of it can give you a smile.

From my closet door to yours, Happy Thanksgiving and smile!

Her

I've said before that I've never really let anyone get that close to me. Part of the human existence is sharing it with other people but I didn't want to share mine with anyone. Some people have a way of letting you down and I wanted to ensure that wouldn't happen. There's only really ever been two people that have come close to seeing it all. This one is about her.

I met her when I was young. She was the good girl, always cute and innocent. She had a nice way about her that made her hard not to like but because of other parties involved, she wasn't my biggest fan. Eventually I won her over and our friendship took off. We really got close in high school and hung out often. She was the only girl who made my imaginary world seem real.

We talked all the time. Everything that made up our lives was covered in a matter of hours every night on the phone. She'd date and I'd size up the guys she was interested in to see if they were good enough to date my best friend. She'd do the same but every girl I had an interest in would never really be good enough. The thing about our friendship was that it was always more than that. We had real feelings for each other but kept missing our mark. She'd like me but I'd have interests elsewhere, I'd like her and she'd be in a relationship. We'd fight because my lifestyle was a little reckless and stupid (granted looking back, it probably was)... That was how it went until we finally got it right.

Six years in the making and Bam! Like that it all fell into place. We were both single and interested so we naturally came together. I was apprehensive about getting it right with this one, she seemed like the only thing I could do right and our friendship meant a lot to me so I didn't want to mess it up. That apprehension led to a lot of fights and a rocky start to our relationship. We stuck it out and as we grew together, our friendship and relationship grew stronger. I honestly felt like I could give this girl my entire heavy world to hold and she would delicately balance it on one finger as if it were a cotton ball, lightweight and shatterproof.

I'd developed some close male friendships in college and she felt a little threatened. Jokingly she asked, "Are you gay? You're not going to leave me and go date Robby are you?" Time stood still for a minute. I had no sexual interest in Robby but the words still gave me pause. A flash moment of realization washed over me. My other half, my partner in crime and the one I can go to with anything doesn't know. How can I fix this. Can I fix this? I laughed it off and joked about how I was definitely going to do that and how you just can't fight fate. Again I'd let myself down. The only other person who might've been okay with knowing who I was had been lied to.


Until recently, I thought this girl was it. She was the one. I've loved her and she's made me happier than I've ever been but how can I continue without her knowing? And how could I possibly be invested enough to make a lifelong commitment when she doesn't even know all of me? Perhaps I was trying desperately to bring my fairytale to life. The reality is my lies have become her truth and she's unknowingly kidnapped behind my closet door, the tragic victim of my cowardice. Moving forward I think releasing my hostage and taking off her blindfold may be my hardest obstacle.

I'm not sure where I'm going but sometimes all you need is to see a few steps in front of you. Maybe that will make the journey less terrifying. I hope so.

From my closet door to yours, don't let your imagination run away with you.

Jack, Why "It Gets Better"

I have this friend, we'll call him Jack. Jack is everything most guys want to be: smart, good looking, athletic, good at almost anything he tries, a ladies man, a man's man. This guy can make you smile without even trying. The funny thing is, when I first met him I didn't like him at all.
We were at a party in college, probably one of my first big college parties. I was watching a game of beer pong and he was on a team with a good friend of mine-Robby. To understand what I'm about to tell you, you have to know that neither Robby nor Jack like wearing clothing all that much. If given the option and cooperative weather, Robby'd wear nothing but board shorts year round and Jack would wear nothing at all regardless of weather. During this game of beer pong, Robby and Jack started to lose to the two girls they were playing against. They couldn't let that happen. Immediately Robby decided his shirt had to come off in order to win. It did. Jack seized the opportunity and threw his to the floor as well.

Jack is a person without a filter, he loved any and all attention, would use any pejorative term available and his attitude was pretty cocky. Basically he was everything I didn't like. As the game progressed, the team was close to winning but not by a big enough margin. Jack decided it was my fault. Without even really being introduced, he turned to me and said, "You're not shirtless. For us to beat these bitches, you've got to be shirtless. It's the only way. Guys versus girls. Show your support!"

At first I thought this was funny, this guy I had just casually met was yelling at me to take off my shirt. I'm not exactly the type to just strip because I'm told and I wasn't anywhere near drunk enough to start removing clothing. Then the chant for me to take it off began. "Woah," I thought, "this is a little too far." I laughed it off and left the room. That was how I met Jack.

Gradually through his crude humor and ridiculous antics, he won me over. He would literally do anything to make people laugh. You could meet him once and have a story that stuck with you forever. He lit up a room with dirty jokes and nudity. Even the most conservative person would grow to like his jokes. In the years I've known him, a person that didn't like him at some point in time is rare. There's just one thing I didn't know about Jack, he was hiding something.

I got a phone call from an unknown number late one night. I assumed it was a wrong number and didn't answer. It rang again. This time, I picked up. Robby was on the other end, crying. I wondered what shenanigans they'd gotten into this time and how wasted he must be. "I need you," he said. That was enough. I jumped in my car and sped to his house. When I drove up there were police cars outside. "Holy shit, cops. Who got arrested and what the hell happened," I wondered. I got out of my car expecting to bail someone out of jail. If only it'd been that easy.

I walked up to Robby and his girlfriend in silence. I looked at him inquiringly. "Jack killed himself." My heart sank. This had to be a cruel joke. "What," I whispered and repeated this into the night several times as if it would give me an answer. Hoping to see Jack smiling and end this nightmare, I looked to the house. Nothing but police camera flashes from inside. My stomach churned as I heard the lament of a mutual friend sitting on the curb. I hadn't noticed him until now but his face told me I wasn't going to wake up from this. Every emotion ripped through my body like a hurricane. I'd just seen him that afternoon, laughed with him, touched him.

Hours later, we all got together to avoid being alone. No one knew the sadness he was hiding. He was the happiest person any of us knew. We all told stories about him and laughed through our tears. He left an void that can't be filled in all of the lives he touched. Still no one really knows why it happened other than a bad romantic situation coupled with alcohol.

Although the darkness inside my closet can be overwhelming at times, I know there's light shining through, if not from the other side of the door then through the walls or ceiling. I've been on the side of those left behind. It hurts more than I can ever explain. Please don't ever let yourself think that you don't matter enough to stick around and that it won't get better-you do and it will.

We might not share one big closet but in a way we're all neighbors, just a thin wall away. So, from my closet door to yours, chin up. It gets better.