Last night she fell asleep. I could feel her slowly drift away as her grasp tensed and relaxed. I could hear her breathing slow, feel her warmth, her heartbeat. My eyes wide open, I stared at the ceiling thinking, This girl has me. Completely. That's not something I was particularly proud of.
It scared me a bit. Mostly because it reminded me of a book I once read, Madam Bovary. There's a line in the book that goes something like this, "His world was inscribed on the circumference of her petticoat." For those who haven't read the book and aren't much for decoding literature basically the line means his world revolved around her. When I read the book that line stuck with me. It made me sick! Romantic, yes, but the woman was awful to him and he absolutely adored her. Before you start to get the wrong idea, let me just say my girlfriend is not to be compared to Madam Bovary. My girlfriend is an incredible girl. Nice, devoted, thoughtful, sweet and beautiful inside and out. The main point I was trying to make with that reference is that I never thought I could be so devoted to someone that their every action mattered to me.
I'm a pretty independent guy. I've never really given much thought to what others think of me and I don't let the opinions and actions of others influence my own. Within that thought structure, I didn't exactly want to admit that I needed someone. I've thought it for a while but in that moment I really realized this girl could really be the one. Then the buzzers started going off... DING! DING! DING! ALERT! ALERT! There's something I still haven't told her. Would it be fair to go on with that in the dark? Would it be fair to keep it there?
In conversations I've heard it both ways, "You have to tell her. She has to know everything before she agrees to spend her life with you," "You don't have to tell her if it's not an issue," "Please tell her before going any further." I think the best advice I received was from a friend who told me something I needed to hear that I hadn't before, "Sexuality might not be a choice for everyone but sooner or later we all want to find someone to share life with. In the end, you're going to have to choose." He was right. Even though I have attractions both ways, I can only commit to one person.
In all of this I'm thinking that telling this girl might not be so important to me. I thought it was something burning inside me that I needed to get out, a secret I was dying to tell the world. I'm not so sure anymore. I'm honest, attracted, loyal and fully committed to her. My sexuality hasn't been and I don't foresee it being an issue. I know telling her would destroy everything we've worked so hard to build. Is it really that wrong to want to preserve it?
From my door to yours, keep an open mind and don't assume every closet contains the same contents.
