Her

I've said before that I've never really let anyone get that close to me. Part of the human existence is sharing it with other people but I didn't want to share mine with anyone. Some people have a way of letting you down and I wanted to ensure that wouldn't happen. There's only really ever been two people that have come close to seeing it all. This one is about her.

I met her when I was young. She was the good girl, always cute and innocent. She had a nice way about her that made her hard not to like but because of other parties involved, she wasn't my biggest fan. Eventually I won her over and our friendship took off. We really got close in high school and hung out often. She was the only girl who made my imaginary world seem real.

We talked all the time. Everything that made up our lives was covered in a matter of hours every night on the phone. She'd date and I'd size up the guys she was interested in to see if they were good enough to date my best friend. She'd do the same but every girl I had an interest in would never really be good enough. The thing about our friendship was that it was always more than that. We had real feelings for each other but kept missing our mark. She'd like me but I'd have interests elsewhere, I'd like her and she'd be in a relationship. We'd fight because my lifestyle was a little reckless and stupid (granted looking back, it probably was)... That was how it went until we finally got it right.

Six years in the making and Bam! Like that it all fell into place. We were both single and interested so we naturally came together. I was apprehensive about getting it right with this one, she seemed like the only thing I could do right and our friendship meant a lot to me so I didn't want to mess it up. That apprehension led to a lot of fights and a rocky start to our relationship. We stuck it out and as we grew together, our friendship and relationship grew stronger. I honestly felt like I could give this girl my entire heavy world to hold and she would delicately balance it on one finger as if it were a cotton ball, lightweight and shatterproof.

I'd developed some close male friendships in college and she felt a little threatened. Jokingly she asked, "Are you gay? You're not going to leave me and go date Robby are you?" Time stood still for a minute. I had no sexual interest in Robby but the words still gave me pause. A flash moment of realization washed over me. My other half, my partner in crime and the one I can go to with anything doesn't know. How can I fix this. Can I fix this? I laughed it off and joked about how I was definitely going to do that and how you just can't fight fate. Again I'd let myself down. The only other person who might've been okay with knowing who I was had been lied to.


Until recently, I thought this girl was it. She was the one. I've loved her and she's made me happier than I've ever been but how can I continue without her knowing? And how could I possibly be invested enough to make a lifelong commitment when she doesn't even know all of me? Perhaps I was trying desperately to bring my fairytale to life. The reality is my lies have become her truth and she's unknowingly kidnapped behind my closet door, the tragic victim of my cowardice. Moving forward I think releasing my hostage and taking off her blindfold may be my hardest obstacle.

I'm not sure where I'm going but sometimes all you need is to see a few steps in front of you. Maybe that will make the journey less terrifying. I hope so.

From my closet door to yours, don't let your imagination run away with you.