Transported

Have you ever listened to a song and had it transport you somewhere else? Most people probably have. It happens to me all the time. I've always had an escape in music in one form or another. No matter what I'm listening to, playing or singing, I'm taken somewhere. Recently this happened in such an intense way that it made my head spin.

I was listening to this song. I've had the CD for over a year and the song was played to Hell on the radio. As I listened, I actually listened to every word. Sometimes you can be hearing something but not really listening. That's how this song was for me until this one time in particular. The words reverberated to my core and suddenly I was somewhere else.

I was back at his cabin again. I've been there many times, in person, in dreams, in memories. The night air was as chilling and crisp as ever. I relived the night in my mind in a matter of seconds that felt like days. Our entire relationship then flashed through my mind image after image. This has happened before when I'm reminded of him. It usually passes, I smile and move on accepting it all for what it is. This time, I was taken somewhere else.

My mind flashed forward to a what-could've-been future. I've been calling it a song-dream (a daydream brought on by a song)... Groundbreaking, I know. Anyway, it was intense. My entire life was different. We had a dream life -well, at least, my dream life- together. As with a lot of my daydreaming, it was incredibly real. I could feel his cheek in my hand, touch the pictures in the frames. It was surreal. Imagine your fantasy life with another person. This is exactly where we were.

I came back to reality as the song came to an end. A couple of minutes seemed like a lifetime. I remembered where we both are now, the experiences we've had and how we're no longer a part of each other's lives. He's happy. I'm happy.

Normally a moment like this would send people into a state of longing. This is the point where people make the mistake of calling up an ex and rekindling an old flame. Obviously, this is not the greatest idea; however, that's not where my mind went. I was suddenly appreciative of what we had and the person he helped me become. Who knows if we might've had something great? There's no way to know. I do know that we both have very good relationships that we wouldn't trade for anything. It worked out for the best, I think.

I've been thinking about this for a few days and wanted to share it with you. As always, I love to hear your thoughts.

From my door to yours: Don't be afraid to let your mind take you beyond your closet door, it can lead you to some of the most peaceful places... and we all know these closets aren't exactly peaceful.

One Year Gone

Tomorrow marks one year since I started this journey in writing. I've been documenting my thoughts, experiences, successes and failures (albeit sporadically) on here for a year now. In some ways it feels like yesterday that I watched a YouTube channel and needed a change; in others it feels like it was a long time ago.

So much has changed inside me but those in my real life wouldn't have a clue. They see a change in my attitude and my personality but they couldn't know the real catalyst for it. Sometimes I feel like I've deceived them all to find myself and it feels selfish. Then I think that if I hadn't done this, I might be lost. It's a fair enough trade, I think.

Last year, I wrote my first post admitting who I really am and posted it with hope. I had hope that my life could change, that I wouldn't have to hide who I am anymore, that all the time I'd spent hiding would be worth it in some big way. My face pressed hard to the floor of my closet, I strained my eyes to peek through the crack and get a glimpse of what life might be like on the other side of the door. My life changed before my eyes even though I barely turned the handle.

I found a place where I could open the door, walk and talk openly then slip back inside with my secret safe. I got a virtual glimpse of my life beyond the door. Even if it wasn't flesh or tangible, it was real enough. Some people made me smile and my heart broke for a few. Some people made my heart race and wonder what my life might be like if I could just open the door. Some people could fit into my life perfectly and others' support comforted me. I even found a hint of intolerance even within the GLBTQ community. I talked on the phone, over text, on Skype and even met someone in person. No, I didn't always smell it, touch it or taste it, but it was real.

Over this year, I met incredible people, built myself up and really found who I am. I learned that this process isn't the same for every GLBTQ person. Not everyone is going to agree with the way you live your life whether you're in the closet or not. We all come from different backgrounds and have different roads to travel on. What is right for one could be completely wrong for another.

I've come so far and there's still a long way to go. I don't know where I'd be today without you and your support. Here's to another year of blogging! I hope to be more consistent with this blog moving forward. As always, I'm available to you on Twitter anytime. I love to hear your thoughts and comments and I always enjoy a good conversation.

From my door to yours, it's not about where you're going, it's about how you get there.

Conditions

Every agreement you have comes with conditions. Employment. Purchases. Contracts. The other day I was wondering if that holds true for relationships. This was brought to my attention by a friend of mine on Twitter. I guess he's a friend. I can't really say that I know anymore.

For me, my relationships come without conditions. When I am dating someone and really fall for them, I love them unconditionally. I might not always agree with their thoughts, opinions or actions but I will love them regardless. This doesn't mean you let someone walk all over you by any means, it simply indicates that you have a love free of obligations. It is a place where you are free to be who you are without fear of judgement and repercussions. You are safe.

My friendships are similar. I am a very loyal friend and work very hard on my friendships. I pride myself on giving my friendship without a quid pro quo mentality. I don't want anyone to feel that being my friend comes with terms they have to meet and if they aren't met, our friendship could be void at any minute. I have found, however, that my friendships with you all have their limitations.

I realize that given my situation, I can't always provide the kind of friendship someone needs. That's frustrating to say the least. I'm always the good friend. I work hard to be and always have. I try to build relationships without conditions and here I am with limitations on how close people can get to me. I mean, I'm not the most open person anyway but I can usually at the very least share my name, face and a little of my history with people. It's incredibly difficult to be in this position. I can't just give away my name, personal information, pictures of my face and let everyone know who I am. It's not so much a trust issue as it is a liability for me. Doing that sort of thing would be reckless.

There isn't a way to explain a friendship with a guy in another city, state or country that you had no way of otherwise meeting without the truth. The truth about myself isn't really an option for sharing, let alone all of these friendships I've made on the Internet.

I guess my point in all of this is to say that I understand that meeting this way, being my friend with the information you have and sticking with me isn't easy. My friendship here is complicated, difficult, frustrating and can be lacking at times. I wish I could say it will change but that's not something I can promise. I can't force people to accept the limitations my friendship comes with.

I just want to thank those of you who choose to continue our friendship on a daily basis. I hope that my friendship has been and continues to be beneficial and worthwhile to you. I know your friendships have meant the world to me. To those who are just getting to know me, I hope you stick with me. I can be a very good friend if you let me. Just know that I understand if you don't.

"I'm hard to love, hard to love. I don't make it easy... I don't deserve it but I love that you love me."

From my door to yours, friendship isn't always easy but most of the time it's worth the hardships.

Inscribed

Last night she fell asleep. I could feel her slowly drift away as her grasp tensed and relaxed. I could hear her breathing slow, feel her warmth, her heartbeat. My eyes wide open, I stared at the ceiling thinking, This girl has me. Completely. That's not something I was particularly proud of.

It scared me a bit. Mostly because it reminded me of a book I once read, Madam Bovary. There's a line in the book that goes something like this, "His world was inscribed on the circumference of her petticoat." For those who haven't read the book and aren't much for decoding literature basically the line means his world revolved around her. When I read the book that line stuck with me. It made me sick! Romantic, yes, but the woman was awful to him and he absolutely adored her. Before you start to get the wrong idea, let me just say my girlfriend is not to be compared to Madam Bovary. My girlfriend is an incredible girl. Nice, devoted, thoughtful, sweet and beautiful inside and out. The main point I was trying to make with that reference is that I never thought I could be so devoted to someone that their every action mattered to me.

I'm a pretty independent guy. I've never really given much thought to what others think of me and I don't let the opinions and actions of others influence my own. Within that thought structure, I didn't exactly want to admit that I needed someone. I've thought it for a while but in that moment I really realized this girl could really be the one. Then the buzzers started going off... DING! DING! DING! ALERT! ALERT! There's something I still haven't told her. Would it be fair to go on with that in the dark? Would it be fair to keep it there?

In conversations I've heard it both ways, "You have to tell her. She has to know everything before she agrees to spend her life with you," "You don't have to tell her if it's not an issue," "Please tell her before going any further." I think the best advice I received was from a friend who told me something I needed to hear that I hadn't before, "Sexuality might not be a choice for everyone but sooner or later we all want to find someone to share life with. In the end, you're going to have to choose." He was right. Even though I have attractions both ways, I can only commit to one person.

In all of this I'm thinking that telling this girl might not be so important to me. I thought it was something burning inside me that I needed to get out, a secret I was dying to tell the world. I'm not so sure anymore. I'm honest, attracted, loyal and fully committed to her. My sexuality hasn't been and I don't foresee it being an issue. I know telling her would destroy everything we've worked so hard to build. Is it really that wrong to want to preserve it?

From my door to yours, keep an open mind and don't assume every closet contains the same contents.

A Bump in the Road

I started this journey with a specific purpose in mind-to stop hiding and get control of my runaway secret. What began with optimism and progress quickly turned into nothing. I told my friend at the end of December and after that, I froze. I stopped planning to tell people, I stopped posting new additions on my blog, I even stopped tweeting for about a week. I lost sight of where I wanted to go in all of this. I'm still not really sure if I know where that is.

I continually think of the innocent girl I've brought along on this ride with me and how unfair it is to her. We've built a great, loving relationship together. Telling her will crush anything we've ever had. In my darkest times of doubt, I wonder if telling her is really the best thing to do. This isn't that big of a deal. Does she really need to know if it isn't adversely affecting your relationship? These thoughts pulled me in a direction I don't think I like very much, backwards. If I stop now, what has been the point in all of this? While my sexuality may only be part of who I am, I realize that I can't hide forever. How could I really ever promise all of who I am to someone if I'm not willing to show it all to them?

It seems like I'm in a place of constant doubt. I find myself contemplating the repercussions of telling people. Who will still be here when it's over? Will there be anyone left? Is the end result going to be what I really want? I need to get out of my own head, I'm just not sure how.

A commitment to a friend made in a game that I hadn't played in years might just keep me moving forward in this process.

We all have doubts, it's just a matter of how we work past them. From my door to yours, keep moving forward.

Feeling the Light

I sat at the window bar waiting for him. It'd been months since we'd seen each other. We meet up as often as possible but now that several states separate us, it isn't all that often. Daniel and I have been friends for about two and a half years. He is a great guy, outgoing, funny, tall, tan and athletic with perfect teeth... Needless to say, when we first met, I crushed on him pretty hard but that faded. He's straight afterall.


He and I have great conversations, deep, open, honest and always lighthearted. If I'd known what was going to be shared over this dinner, I might've recorded it so I could play it again to know it really happened.


He walked in and commented on us wearing matching jackets. The banter that ensues when we talk is never really all that PC but it makes me laugh everytime. Food was ordered and we sat down to eat. Over the course of the meal we had a great conversation. "This girl is really great. She keeps me in check," He said. "So you think you're in love then?" I asked. "I was talking to my parents a few weeks ago and my Dad jokingly asked if I'd said the L-word yet. I had to ask myself the question and I admitted to my parents that yeah, I think I do love this girl. Crazy right?"


I was happy for him. In the entire time I've known Daniel, he's never had a real girlfriend. Aside from his long-term relationship with a girl from before I knew him, any girl he's ever mentioned was just a hook-up, close friend or was only around for a few dates. As he described, he's only had relationshits. After discussing his life, he turned the focus the other direction. "How's your lovelife? Thinking about the big question here pretty soon?" ...No. God, no. I have to deal with me before I can ask someone else to... I looked across the table at him. He was waiting for an answer.

"I'm not ready for that yet. Financially it isn't the right time and I'm just not sure that that's even what I really want," I replied.
"Does she know that? Isn't she curious?" He pressed.
"She knows. We've talked about it. I won't do something simply because soceity says I'm supposed to. I'm not ready and if I pretend I am, it'll only be worse for both of us later. If I'm going to do it, it needs to come naturally."
"I get that. Soceity has a way of making people do things exactly how everyone else does. There's no rush, if it's right, you'll know."

Then out of nowhere, there was more to add. Why, I'll never know. The answer I gave would've sufficed but there was more to the story that I just had to share. "And there's something else that I've been dealing with internally too," I said as I studied the intricacies of my cheap paper napkin. "What kind of something?" He asked looking concerned. You're really doing this. There's no turning back now. It's on the tip of your tongue. You have to. This secret is KILLING you. Please... "I guess I've been thinking a lot about sexuality. Mine isn't exactly cut and dry. I'm attracted to both guys and girls."

I knew he wouldn't judge me. He is one of the most accepting, open-minded people I know. I had no time to anticipate his response anyway. "They" say it's best not to anticipate responses because people are unpredictable when it comes to this sort of thing. He responded with a few questions, wondering where I sit on the sexuality spectrum. He was everything I could've hoped for and nothing I was dreading, supportive, interested, comforting. Once it was out there we had a long conversation about where to go from here. He described the process with a great analogy: it's like building a soccer team, you need people on offense and defense but the whole team is working together to help you.


I couldn't believe I'd done it. Someone knew the whole truth. I was finally honest for once. What was even more perplexing was that I didn't feel anxious. He knew everything and I wasn't afraid. This guy could literally blow the lid off of you. He could destroy everything you're working toward. I didn't care. I knew he wouldn't. We finished our conversation and walked outside.


"Thank you for listening to me and being so supportive. I had to tell someone and I knew I could trust you. You're the only person I've ever told. It feels good to have someone know."
"Of course. You have confided in me just like I've confided things in you. You have my loyalty and support. I'm just glad I get to be on the team. We'll be in touch. Love you buddy."


We hugged and went our separate ways. Despite the 30-degree weather, my face felt hot and I shook the whole way home. A good friend I met on Twitter told me not to overthink the process, the less weight you give it, the easier it will be. What great advice. I took it and now I feel some light on the other side of that door. It feels good.


So, friends, from my closet door to yours, get out of your head. I promise you'll be better off.

Strangers and Friends

Don't underestimate the power of strangers. When you're down, a genuine smile from a passerby at the supermarket can bring you up. A look of exasperation on a haggard person with a sign made from cardboard can break your heart. The rants of an impassioned individual can infuriate you. A former stranger made the weight I've been hauling around feel a little bit lighter last week.

I take a deep breath as I walk up to the bar doors. My breath escapes as a cloud of vapor from my lips. It is freezing outside. I can't tell if my hands are shaking from the cold or the nerves. Don't be an idiot, you aren't that cold. You haven't been in the night air for more than a minute. I walk through the doors and begin to look around realizing I have nothing to look for. I only told him I'd be wearing "The Scarf." What an idiot. Couldn't have just gone with "Hey, I'll be wearing a gray coat," could you? A man is standing in the waiting area but I hardly notice as the hostess asks, "Are you meeting someone?" I smile and unintentionally ignore her as I scan the bar. I turn to my left and see the man, our eyes meet and he raises his eyebrows. It's him.

Our initial exchange is met with a friendly hug. Although this is the first time I've seen him, we've been friends for a while and he knows my biggest secret-my sexuality. We walk over and grab a table at the bar. I can't believe I'm actually doing this. He nods, "The scarf." I laugh. After that, the conversation begins to flow.

We sit in the bar talking like old friends. Nothing feels awkward or forced. We talk freely about our sexuality- Did anyone around you hear any of that?, the Twitter community to which we both belong and even our real lives. Somehow, I'm able to fully commit to this friendship and start to open up. "You guys want anything else? Last call," our waitress says. Last call? How long have we been here? What seemed like a short conversation has lasted two hours.

The conversation moves outside into the cold. The temperature has dropped but we decide a picture is necessary to share with our Twitter friends. Shot after shot, we try to get it right. The angles are wrong, the picture is blurry, that concept was dumb #gayboyproblems anyone? By the time we take the perfect shot, we are both shaking from the cold but laughing at the memory we've just created. We part ways with another hug and an affirmation that another meeting will happen.

I walk back to my car with a smile on my face. It really is getting better.

Don't underestimate the power of strangers. A stranger can easily turn into a trusted friend to share your journey. I'm learning that this road can be even worse without some support along the way. This meeting was a big step for me in a lot of ways and I'm happy to have come this far.

From my closet door to yours, don't be afraid to let a stranger become a friend.